Starring Kurt Russell
LAST SEEN: The miracle was complete.
OPENS WITH: Montage of the U.S. Olympic Men’s Hockey team practicing. The Dream team is looking good.
Coach holds a telegram and circles the boys in. He tells them that one of their best players has been killed in a hit and run.
“What are we going to do Coach?”
“Obviously you all cared deeply…”
“I mean, the Olympics is only a few weeks away?”
“Oh. Ok. So, we’ve passed the grieving process. Cool. Cool.”
Coach continues, “We are playing two games here fellas. Hockey and politics. It’s important we show those Russians who’s in charge. Now, I’ve gotten orders from the tippy top. President Trump is sending us a ringer.”
Chazz Michael Michaels, the ice-devouring sex tornado who is the only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award, makes his entrance.
“Coach, but he’s a figure skater!”
“I know boys, but the President was told that this guy is the best.”
Chazz Michael Michaels twirls around the rink to “Lady Humps” by the Blackeyed Peas.
After weeks of practicing tough love and passing drills, the team is ready to embrace Chazz Michael Michaels as one of their own… family.
Team U.S.A. skates onto the ice to face the Russians. In a show of comradery, the team elects Chazz to stand at the face-off. Chazz gains control of the puck, shoots, and scores! For the Russians.
Team U.S.A. attacks Chazz.
“Ahh, my nutsack!”
President Trump is seen leaving a voicemail, “Godamn it! You promised me he was the best.”
Putin looks down at his phone and deletes the message.