Starring Kevin Costner, Darth Vader
LAST SEEN: Ray having a catch with his father.
OPENS WITH: Weeks after the people most definitely came. Each person has paid the one-time entry fee of $20.00 and decided that entitled them to take over the farm indefinitely.
Ray is running around with a ball of dirty sheets in his arms.
“The laundry machine is busted, and the honeymooners asked for clean sheets!”
“When are these people leaving Ray? We have no more food – we plowed over the corn, and our kid ate the last of the hot dogs.”
“It’s probably best – those things can kill ya.”
“I mean it, Ray. How long are these people going to stay?”
“Remember the 60s Annie? It’s our very own Woodstock, but instead of the Dead we have Shoeless Joe!”
“They are stealing our home.”
“Hehe. Stealing home…”
“I wish Terrance Mann was back. He’d be able to knock some sense into you.”
“Actually honey, he was a pioneer of nonviolence and the anti-war movement…”
“Shut up! And what are we going to do about your father? He’s running around telling everyone that this is heaven and freaking them out.”
“Maybe this is heaven.”
“This is Iowa.”
Terrance Mann comes stumbling out of the corn. Ray and Annie rush to him.
“What was it like Terrance Mann? Who is the voice? Tell us what it’s like out there!”
“First of all, you can stop calling me by my first and last name.”
“Second, you will never believe me. But the voice is Ed Harris.”
“Third, it was horrible. Horrible. That wasn’t heaven. What I witnessed an endless post-apocalyptic hell.”
“So you aren’t writing “Shoeless Joe Jackson Comes to Iowa.”
No Ray… I’m naming it “Waterworld.” Or “The Postman.” Either one. It doesn’t matter. They are essentially the same.