LAST SEEN: Joanna Stayton begging her captor to knock her up with a little girl. Preferably after a romantic night of drinking out of plasticware that can’t stay snapped shut. Four sons who couldn’t wait to get their “Mom” back abandon gallantry to make Christmas lists once they realize they are super rich and Dad won’t be charged with slavery and rape.
OPENS WITH: Joanna and Dean Proffitt laughing about how they met at a dinner party that looks like it was thrown by the Trumps. Camera pan around the table to show that everyone is ok that he kidnapped her.
Afterward, the Proffitts stumble into their bedroom, start to undress, she puts her shoes away in a rack with a crank, and they lament how they haven’t heard from the kids lately. Quick montage to show the boys, all in their thirties and forties, acting like entitled, rich douche-bags.
Quick acknowledgment of fifth kid, Annie. Annie is actually a boy, but Dean tells his wife she just had a girl to appease her. Because the Help changes all the diapers and raises the kid, Joanna never finds out. Annie grows up to be a serial killer who targets white chicks with weird birthmarks on their butt.
The kid is caught and rotting away in Sing Sing. Dean tells his wife that Annie is taking an 11th year of college because she changed her major AGAIN. Happy wife. Happy Life.
Crawling under the covers, the Proffitts decide that the boys need to go back to their roots. Re-connect with one another. Learn that life isn’t all about money. You know, sh!t like that.
The next day they confront the boys in their NYC penthouse sitting room. They are taking away their trust funds and sending them back to Elk Cove until they’ve learned their lesson. All squawk about the injustice and “Why doesn’t Annie have to go too?”
You see the brothers arrive at their old house, the limo leaving them in a cloud of dust. They drag their luggage into the house of horrors and recoil at the sight. Finger pointing, fighting, and douche-bagginess abound. The youngest breaks out some pot because he’s like, stressed. They all pause to partake and pretty soon forget literally everything they were so mad about an hour before. Pills and liquor come out and now they are building sheet tents and running around the yard playing Doctor Death, reading comic books, and making macaroni necklaces.
Wouldn’t you know it? They get poison ivy. But this time it’s funny because they are high.
While they are “checking out the town” they stumble onto the 8th Wonder of the World – the god-awful mini-golf place their Dad abandoned the day after it’s grand opening to follow Joanna’s birthmarked tail. They think, hey, let’s reopen this place for the poor stupid people of Elk Cove! Montage of them getting sweaty raking, fixing and painting the crappy paper mache/bird coop depictions of famous places.
There is a kid hanging around. Turns out he doesn’t have a father. The brother with the biggest chip on his shoulder (doesn’t matter which one) falls in love with the mother. There is back and forth because they are from different worlds. At the Grand Re-Opening, he proposes to her and tells his brothers he’s going to stay in Elk Cove to run the business.
Strangely, none of them argue with him about sharing profits.
Joanna and Dean appear and somehow realize how much their boys have changed in 3 days. They all get their trust funds back. All vowing now to be better human beings. AND better brothers. The movie fades to black from a still of them laughing at their poor putt-putt game.
Credit montage with photos of the wedding. A quick video showing the brothers’ groomsmen speeches thanking their parents for taking away their money. The kid who now has a father, and is now rich, is seen with his head down, making his Christmas list.