Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Starring Kurt Russell, Pre-Menopause Samantha
LAST SEEN: Lo Pan losing not 1, but 2 great loves.
OPENS WITH: Lo Pan clicking away at the computer keys.
2000-Year-Old Man
Chinatown, California, United States
Seeking: Women with green eyes (this is non-negotiable, and you can’t fool me with colored contacts. I’ve been burned before.)
Within: The Planet Earth, Human Realm Only Please
Relationship: It’s Complicated
Have Kids: Fur Daddy
Want Kids: Not the nurturing type
Ethnicity: Chinese
Body Type: I suffer from the curse of “No Flesh” so…
Height: Depends on whether I am Cripple Lo Pan or Spirit Form Lo Pan. Anywhere from 3-7 feet.
Faith: I spend my eternity only appeasing the god of the East. I would like, literally, murder for him.
Smoke: Only after sex.
Drink: Socially. I never turn down a sip from Egg Chen’s magic potion flask.
ABOUT HIM AND WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR
There have been others to be sure. There are always others. But you know, the difficulties between men and women. How seldom it works out? Yet we all keep trying, like fools.
Are you the woman to turn me into a fool again?
Hi! My name is David “Dave” Lo Pan. I am a former great warrior who is seeking to rule the world with the right woman by my side.
A little about me. I am a dark sorcerer with unlimited demon control. I love playing “Mortal Kombat” with my buddies, whom I affectionally call “The Three Amigos.”
Hobbies include manicures, hypnotism, and traveling to Ireland.
Turnoffs include gentrification of Chinatown, truck drivers who refer to themselves in the third person, and Matt Damon’s performance in “The Great Wall.”
Are you the one to survive my burning blade and tame the savage heart?
If so, let me put my needle of love in you.
Please DM me if you fit the bill.
THE END
