Office Space (1999)
Starring Michael Bolton
LAST SEEN: Milton lounging on the beach with the company’s stolen money. Peter realizing his life-long passion for manual labor.
OPENS WITH: Years after escaping prison, a desk job, and Lumbergh, Peter buckles to the financial reality of having a family. His wife Joanna is at the end of her rope, and “expresses herself” with flair often.
He decides to open his own company. Peter, now solely responsible for its financial health, starts hiring recent college graduates to help him build from the ground up. He begins his first team meeting:
Peter: “First, I’d like to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves.”
Millennial 1: “Way ahead of you Kemosabe. We all just synched our contact info and created an office cloud.”
Millennial 2: “We’ve already like, been texting.”
Peter: “You all never met. How…?”
Millennial 2: “We created an app waiting in the lobby.”
Peter: “I didn’t hear a peep. How…?
Millennial 3: “Heh. He said peep. Heh.”
Peter: “Well, this is great. I’d like to get started then.
(Pause)
“Is anyone listening?” Peter is getting increasingly annoyed and pulls a smartphone out of one of the Millennial’s hands.
“Is this Tetris?”
Millennial 4: “Yeah man. I totes downloaded it from a site that has old-fashioned gamey thingies.”
Millennial 1: “We’ve been texting while you guys were talking and we decided that we need to discuss integrated telecommuting.”
Peter: “Telecommuting? There’s no telecommuting! This is a construction company. I need you guys outside working!”
Head shaking and noises of disapproval. Texting continues.
Millennial 5: “What about fun. What are you going to do for us to make work fun?”
Peter: “What are you talking about? Work isn’t fun. It’s about making a living for you and your family.”
Millennial 2: “Man, that’s your problem. You only care about money. See, that’s why I still live with my parents.”
Millennial 6: “I feel very close to my new work-family. Since we’re going to be interacting and innovating as a team, that’s very important.”
Peter: “Work-family?”
Millennial 3: “Work-life integration is everything.”
Peter: “Integration? This job is 9-5.”
Millennial 1: “9pm to 5am or 9am to 5pm? I assumed we’d have a flexible work schedule.”
Peter: “Why would you assume that!?”
Millennial 4: “I’m sensing a very hostile work environment here. I think we should all take the rest of the week off to do nothing and cool down.”
The Millennials all get up to leave. Someone suggests they go grab a bubble tea. Peter is speechless.
Millennial 5 turns around and looks up from the smartphone, “Btw, we also assume our paychecks will be set up in Autopay by then. If not, then we might just have to boycott. Okay. Byeee!”
THE END